Since it’s Valentine’s Day, why not talk about how myself and my man crush met. It’s not the most conventional story, but it’s a true story.
In January of 2015, I was a very depressed and confused person. Not many would know this, but I most definitely was. I had just spent the summer months of the previous year on high’s that were so extreme, that anything else felt like a low. I had gotten married, won my class in a bikini show, took my first trip to CBBF Nationals and was loving my career as a personal trainer. In the Fall, everything just seemed to spiral downward from there. I had rebounded from extreme dieting for my show and wedding, my job wasn’t going so well due to a political situation at work and my relationship just felt..confusing.
When I was returning from Christmas Holiday’s back to work, I had been experiencing a lot of anxiety over it. It had nothing to do with my clients as I loved all of them, it had to do with outside factors that seemed beyond my control. Of course, the fact that I had gained 15 lbs wasn’t so much fun either. Walking into the doors of a gym as a personal trainer with all of this in the back of my mind, was overwhelming and all of the possible situations that I had imagined happening, did. Someone asked where my “booty came from”. While that was I’m sure intended as a compliment, it just further reminded me that it had doubled in size in a matter of weeks and made me feel self conscious over it. The same situation that was stressing me at work, had seemed to have gotten worse and it didn’t seem as though it wasn’t going to change any time soon. Plus..I still felt a lot of anxiety over my recent marriage. I had just gotten married and this was supposed to be an amazing, positive and happy time for me. So why wasn’t I happy about it? I was a wife and I did not feel like a wife for some reason. I felt like me trapped inside of someone else’s life and expectations.
While at work, my manager informed me that we had hired someone new for the front desk position and wanted to introduce me so to “Please be nice”. My manager at the time and I had a really good relationship. He understood and respected me, and I him. He said this person was from Kelowna and competed so I would probably have lot in common with them seeing as how my dad lives in Kelowna and I’ve always wanted to live there myself. I met this guy and instantly something resonated with me when we shook hands. In a way it felt like we had already met and I knew him from somewhere else. (I know people say that and it sounds so cliché, but it did). I asked his name and how long he had been competing and more importantly, WHY you would move to Saskatoon from a beautiful place like Kelowna? His response was that he had family in Saskatoon and wanted to be closer to them. But that answer never sold me 😉 ( Now we joke and say it was to meet me and bring me to Kelowna 🙂 ) After chatting for what felt like a life time, I mentioned that maybe we’ve met before somewhere and asked his age. I was 26 and he was 21..soo you’re my little brothers age. So no, we don’t know each other. As we talked, people around us seemed almost suspicious about how well we were getting along (Someone is making Bitch Face Lindsay laugh and actually change her whole tone of conversation). My manager even joked around and said something about how that’s the longest he’s ever witnessed me chat with someone at work.
From there our schedules coincided and we started at the same time of day. I had decided before I went away on Holidays that my schedule would be changing from evenings to mornings when I returned (as early as 5.am.) which coincidentally was his start time as well. When you are the only two people working at early hours of the day, you have no shows and the gym is dead, you get to know one another pretty fast.
Now before I go on, I am going to be brutally honest because that’s just who I am. I would hope that in return I will receive respect. Maybe not understanding, but respect. I have been nothing but open and honest about my experiences in hopes that it may help someone else, and this topic will be no different.
It got the point at work, that rumours started to spread. Apparently I was cheating on my spouse with my new friend. Anyone who has worked at a gym, can relate to how much gossip can be spread. Granted the change in my mood was almost instantaneous when I would chat with him and that was reason enough for others to speculate. At the time I had another close friend that I worked with, but this friend was a girl. So no one is going to point as many fingers over my chemistry with her as they would with him. Each week it felt as if I would hear a new rumour about myself and how disrespectful I was to my husband and how could I possibly do that to him? I would come home and tell my then husband about what was going on and ask him what his feedback on the matter was? He is a very easy going person and extremely trusting. He would spin it off as ridiculous and that he had no issue with the relationship that I had with my new friend. Now as a partner, you never want to seem jealous or controlling. So in his defense, what would the right answer be? Of course I am telling myself too, that this is just silly, we are friends and that we have so much in common. How could we not get along at work? But then I would hear more rumours and I would start to back pedal and tell myself ok, maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore because I’m sick of the constant stares and gossip coming from other people. I was also fed up with people who didn’t even know me, informing untrue facts about my personal life to my clients. Yes.. that happened on occasion. My client would go somewhere for a service (hair, nails etc) and hear about her personal trainer and how she’s fooling around with a younger guy at work. ( Someone is always listening, so be sure you have your facts straight and be careful who you talk to, or about.) You would be surprised how many times I’ve heard that one, and my client/friend/family member would then approach me with it. “Morning! I hear you’re having an affair!” Even after I moved! I would get messages asking if it’s true?!
The truth?? is that our friendship grew and that my common interests with this person, shed light on what me and my husband lacked. In my opinion, we had been drifting apart for years and neither of us were strong enough to pull the plug and walk away. We had been through so many transitions in our 7-8 year relationship, that it was always felt like a waste to walk away from what we had worked so hard to build. He and I both know and agree that we had red flags through out our time together and that we blew past each one. Because you don’t want to give up? You want to believe that there is hope and that you can make it work again. You don’t want to become another statistic. You don’t want to disappoint your friends and family and answer all of the questions that come with a break up. You don’t want to admit defeat and that maybe you aren’t right for one another, and that breaking up may be the solution.
On September 21, 2015 our one year wedding anniversary, we broke up. Many believe it was solely because of my current relationship. I will say that this person came into my life for a reason and reminded me of the person that I can be. That I am full of personalities and sometimes indecisive, and that’s ok. That my original and personal plans and goals for myself are achievable and that my happiness comes first. In the short amount of time that we’ve been together, we have experienced infidelity rumours, my marital separation, we’ve competed in two bodybuilding shows together, traveled to Bali together, moved to B.C. and stayed at my parents house for a month during this time of transition and now we are starting a new life together in Kelowna. Not to mention he was extremely patient with me after my separation. He was pushed and pulled in all kinds of directions and managed to hang in there through all of it. I recall last Valentine’s Day like any person in this situation, he wasn’t sure what the right answer in this case was. To gift, or not to gift? Will you be mine? no? So he played it safe and got me a small gift to cover all possible grounds. My reaction? was crying and so many mixed emotions. I was so flattered he thought of me at all, yet felt guilty for feeling flattered in the midst of my separation. You also have all of the rumours floating around in your head to even possibly allow yourself to enjoy the gift. I would tell him that I was scared that it was never going to work given the circumstances and I actually thought the fact we both competed was a recipe for disaster.
Every now and again people will project their own guilt or negative feelings on to you about your current situation. I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings and take them with a grain of salt. Re evaluate your feelings and your state of mind. When in doubt, look deep inside where no one else knows you and really ask yourself how you’re feeling. I used to really worry and concern myself on how others perceived me or my relationship. I used to look at others and judge them on their failed marriages or short term relationships. How could they move on so quickly and do that to their ex? until I found myself in that exact predicament. One year of marriage, unhappy and not able to see it lasting any longer. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As long as you know the truth and are well aware of it, that’s what matters most.
Not every relationship is going to start in some amazing, easy way and make you feel as if it’s all meant to be. The reality of it is, that you know in your heart whether something is right for you or not. Regardless of who it may hurt in the short or long run, your happiness is what’s most important. Some may say that starting a new relationship is the easy way out. I disagree when the walls that you had previously built up were so high that no one could break in, and in order to break them down it was going to take massive amounts of courage, strength and time. Do I still have trouble admitting how we came together? Of course. Because in the back of my mind there still live the rumours and the guilt of how it all came to be. But not for one second do I regret any decision that I’ve made up until now and I’m happy that I’ve embarked on this journey with this man that has lit a fire and brought so much positivity to my life.